As the summer sun fades to make way for fall, I cannot help but reflect on the last few months. Past summers have brought on fear, anxiety, and loneliness. Though summer is generally a time when people come out of hibernation, unwrap themselves from winter clothing, and bare it all in the sun - I have done the opposite. I often dread attending weddings and other festivities. Opting instead to stay indoors. I crave being 'around' people, and enjoy just being. I read an article, that although a light explanation, describes me perfectly.
This summer was no different in some regards. I felt sad at times. But feeling sad is ok. At least I felt something. Some summers I was completely numb, devoid of emotion. I take solace in knowing I can feel again.
It is easy to tell someone, "just try and be happy", "don't worry", or my favourite "happiness is a choice". The truth is this helps no one.
Most days I have nothing to worry about. In fact, most of the time I know my thoughts are irrational. Unfortunately that doesn't stop them from crashing in like a flood. Keeping me up at night.
The difference this summer is I made myself get out. I embraced solo bike rides, going to the gym, coffee dates with myself, and even a (solo) vacation.
I recently had a doctors appointment. My doctor asked how I was. I told her as much of the truth as I could. She thinks my anxiety is normal. I am still hard on myself for some of my thoughts and often wonder if I am doing ok. So that was the best news I could have got.
I'm going to be ok.
As the warmth of the sun took over me today, I thought, "today is a good day".
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.