Two and a half years ago I went on a dating website. I met someone and I thought we hit it off. I really liked him, I still do.
Fast forward to today. It has taken me this long to talk about it (this is the one area I hold very private). It has taken me this long to try again. About a week ago I (gave in and) signed up for a dating app. I've talked with three guys and they all just stopped responding (I believe the youth call that 'ghosting'). And you know what, I'm okay. I may or may not continue with this app or any other, but the main thing is getting over the fear of getting started.
I've struggled with being enough my whole life. There is no incident to recall where it all started. It's just a feeling that has always been with me. The worst part is looking for validation from the outside world. Intuitively I know this will never satisfy my hunger for acceptance, love, or just plain contentment.
I was made in the image of God. He gave me a heart for the hurting. He gave me the gift of writing. This is why I continue to share.
My heart was full yesterday as many friends shared their journey with mental health (whether they 'suffer' themselves or love someone who does) during the #BellLetsTalk campaign. It was full because I know I am not alone.
It was full because I know, I am enough.
I'm a creature of habit. Routine keeps me sane. I'm not compulsive, however, if I switch up my routine in the morning, for example, I get lost and don't really know how much time I have for doing my hair, make-up, picking out clothes (which I always tell myself to do at night, but don't), and getting my lunch together.
This is not to say I don't like spontaneity. There have been times when a friend sends a message and asks if I want to go to the lake or a concert and I jump at the chance. I might be tired the next day at work, but it's worth it if you get to spend time with close friends, have a laugh or two, or see an iconic Canadian band.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.