So this is it. My spirit is so tired, hardened, beaten up. I am trying so hard. I want change so bad. I don't know how to get there.
You see me, but don't really know me. I smile and tell you things are well. Inside, as I speak these words, pain flows through my body. Emotional and spiritual pain manifested in headaches, stomachaches, and heartaches.
After weeks of feeling ok, I am not ok. The crying begins spontaneously as I try to sleep. Exhausted does not even begin to describe how I feel. As I rise I wonder if today will be different. I already know the answer.
June 21, 2016
God sure has a way of messing with me. I am torn down just a few short days after having a great weekend with friends. He keeps me humble and miserable all at the same time.
November 4, 2016
Sets backs. They hurt. They are meant to teach. But I have failed the lesson.
November 6, 2016
After a set back: two really good nights out. I was able to laugh and keep conversations going, a person I haven't seen in years said some nice things about me, and I was able to talk to a guy without getting all flustered. Yet still confused. Letting go of the thoughts that say this will be short lived takes so much energy. They are always there, whether I acknowledge them or not. Always.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.