At the beginning of 2021, I learned what languishing is (first hand). I had a hard time explaining, even to myself, what I was going through. It felt different than depression, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then, when I read Adam Grant’s article in the New York Times months later, it confirmed what I had been feeling. 

Something needed to change and I set out to make that uncomfortable feeling go away (before it led to depression).  In searching for one thing, I ended up doing a lot of things (all within a few months of each other). 

• I left my job after almost six years to start a new career
• I took an online class
• I almost become a member of a board
• I rented out my condo
• I moved back to Saskatoon (from Martensville)
• I applied to be a mentor in the second round of the Black Female Coach Mentorship Program, was not be accepted, but asked to take part in the program by facilitating BIPOC Female Hangouts
• I started coaching in person (again)

If I have been slow to respond to emails and texts, this is likely the reason why.

These things done separately bring about their own level of stress. These things are all positive. These things brought me out of my comfort zone. But together (especially for someone who does not like change or taking risks) it may have been too much for me to handle. Hello anxiety. That said I do not regret any of these things. 

Now a few months removed from all of those things I have learned a few lessons firsthand:

• That one can survive on adrenaline for a fixed period of time. It felt oddly nice to have energy (my baseline is low energy but I knew it was superficial).
• That eventually your body will shut down as a protective mechanism.  Today (August 7) was that day for me.  I napped on and off all day, something I have't done in months. 
• You can accomplish more than you think you can, but it may be at a cost to your mental and physical health.  

As the summer winds down, it's time for me to reflect and rest before the business of fall sets in. Here's to no more languishing (and no more to doing too many things in an effort to feel accomplished). 
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I am mourning the loss of the forced stoppage of sport. It came at a time when our athletes were on their regular break after nationals. We pushed return to practice back by a week so that they could focus on final exams. After which it was apparent return to sport was not an option over the summer. Athletes were given workouts to do on their own. We had
no answers for them.

I used this time to slow down. Eat supper at a normal time. Do at home workouts. Go for epic walks and bike rides. I did not pine to return back to normal. I quite liked this change of pace.

I thought I might read more. That didn’t happen. I thought I might do some spring cleaning. That didn’t happen. I thought I might clean out my inbox. That didn’t happen.

When people asked the loaded question “how are you?”, I could honestly say “fine”. Anxiety has a weird way of helping you in these situations.

It is not to say I didn’t have ups and downs. They just weren’t as evident as the stories I read on Facebook or Instagram of people who were really struggling with all the changes happening so fast. I empathize, their world was turned upside down in a matter of days. And they didn’t know how to react or feel. I deal with upside down thoughts all the time. And I don’t always know how to react or feel.

Our program just started up again and I am mourning the loss of my slow paced summer. I feel as if I have gone from zero to 100 in a matter of days. I’m already signed up for more webinars than I have done all year. Practices are five days a week and I am back to eating supper at a late hour (even with prep the night before).

This time of year always brings challenges. It is dark by 8:30 pm. I am rushing from home to work to track to home on a daily basis. Fatigue looms large. I hoped I could bank the hours I spent napping for this very season.

Add to this the fatigue of hearing/seeing countless accounts of unarmed Black (mostly) men being murdered. The fatigue of reading people deny Canada has a problem with racism (or saying its not as bad as our neighbours to the south). Then there's the fatigue of watching your friends deal with this situation by sharing every single new thing they have learned about racism (as if these aren't things I think about regularly - not by choice).

Do I love coaching. Absolutely. Did I miss my kids. Absolutely. Do I want more space for myself. Absolutely.

There is no right or wrong in how I am feeling. I would not be true to myself if I did not acknowledge my true feelings.
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​I hope this gives people permission to feel what they are feeling. Wholeheartedly.
mnd xo