I hope you are well and living your best life.
That is what I pray for you. That you leave behind the hurts, mistrust, and sorrow to live a better life. As an adolescent I used to think God was punishing me for some wrong doing (from a past life perhaps). I thought it could not get any worse than this. 'This was my cancer'.
It did get much worse. (You've read about it in my previous posts - I will not bore you now).
The point is, as I look back, with experience and perspective, I see it differently. There were hard lessons, but not because of something I did. People sometimes say you go through hardships to make you stronger. I don't necessarily believe that. I'm as weak as ever, I just have some perspective, a good doctor, good therapist, and faith.
It is a shaky faith, but faith nonetheless.
Just as I am trying to live my best life; I wish you well and hope you are living your best life.
I'm in a good place right now, so l think I can look back with some objectivity. When I first admitted to myself, that yes in fact, I have depression (2009), I thought it was ridiculous. People go through breakups all the time. It doesn't break them. They move on to the next person, they get married, they have kids. Why couldn't I move on. We hadn't dated for that long (only a few months). There was no promise of marriage. There was no promise of a future.
I was upset (with myself) that it took longer to get over the hurt, than the relationship had lasted. I was upset that I was now going to counseling. I was upset that I was on medication. I was upset that I had lost so much weight. I was upset that I couldn't eat. I was upset that I couldn't sleep.
In my earlier blogs (the stuff that is now lost in the inter-web - see my about me page), I was able to express so viscerally my pain (mostly numbness). I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and tell her, you will get through. You will stumble, you will have set backs. But you will get through.
I'm nowhere near where I want to be. There is still so much wanting in my life. As tears well up, I remember that Dr. S said I should be proud of the progress I've made in the last few weeks.
I'm so cautious (to a fault), even in letting myself be happy in this moment.
If there is one thing that has resonated with me over the years, its that there is no timeline for healing.
I will take as long as I need.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.