Originally written April 26, 2017
It took me a long time to 'get back out there'. I was tired of staying in on weekends and not having someone to share myself with. So I took a chance. For most people it's not a big deal. But for me it was terrifying. I was hurt in the past and not sure I could make it through something like that again.
I have a hard time opening up because I'm afraid I'm not good enough, won’t be liked, have nothing good to say. And based on past experience. This is true. I'm not good enough. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. And it shows.
My heart hurts. It hurts because it will never know love.
So here I am hurting and not sure when it will end. I don't think it will. I think this pain is too strong. It makes me so weak.
P.S. January 21, 2018
I weep for her. I weep because she does not see just how worthy she is. I weep because I did not console her. I weep because I let her believe those thoughts. She is gone and I never let her know how sorry I am for putting her through this.
I’m so sorry.
Do I have resting b*tch face?
There are times I am so wrapped up in my thoughts, that I do not realize the look I am giving to other people. It dawned on me recently, I may be giving off a snobby or uninviting look. Truth be told most of the time I don’t want to talk to people, however I don’t want them to think I’m a snob. That certainly doesn't help my self esteem issues, now does it. Its mostly insecurity that keeps me from engaging and being part of the conversation. Or I'm having a bad day and I know that even uttering a few words could end up in me crying. So rather than talk, I try to hold it together until I get to my car or home before letting it all out.
This leads me to my next thought. Anxiety does not give me a free pass to be an a*hole.
Being in a bad mood (having an anxious day) does not give me the right to be short with people and make them feel as if they did something wrong. It is my responsibility to act with respect and compassion towards myself and others and it is especially important on those days where I am having a difficult time. Anxiety is not an excuse to treat others badly. It is only upon self-reflection that I have come to accept I have work to do in this area.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.