I struggle with the purpose of depression and anxiety in my life. I have heard many times that it makes you more compassionate and understanding of others. There are times, however, I feel resentment, anger, and frustration.
I bought the book Defeating Depression, by Leslie Vernick in July of 2010. I started and restarted this book many times over the years. I finally finished it last winter.
These are two of many passages that really resonated with me.
'But if you've prayed and listened and obeyed as best you can but still feel the heaviness of depression engulfing you, you must learn to cling to the assurance that there are other purposes at work beyond what you can see right now.'
Defeating Depression, pg 219-220 (emphasis mine)
'May you come to cherish the secret treasures God gives you during your darkest times.'
Defeating Depression, pg 234
Today I embark on a new journey. Destination unknown. I imagine there will be ups and downs, peaks and valleys, laughing and crying. I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of, the person I will be in the end or the person I am leaving behind.
My journey is far from over - Untitled
There are so many emotions going through my mind. I can't go on, I'll go on. The chaos in my brain leaves me so tired. I really do not know how to explain it, other than chaos. Rational thoughts mixed with irrational. There are times I don't know which is which. Negative self-talk overshadows any positive self-talk I try to convince myself to believe.
I can't go on, I'll go on. Samuel Beckett
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.