I am not a romantic by nature. A cynic you might say. It probably has to do with the fact that I've had zero luck meeting people. And by people, I do mean guys. Despite the reason for my cynicism, I am nothing but happy for my friends who have met their one true love.
That being said.
I used to love going to weddings. I've always felt it was an honour to witness the union of two people - in love. This year, as well as the recent past, I have been a little anxious about weddings. I receive an invitation that reads "Mavis and Guest". My RSVP is always for one. At the ceremony I can usually sneak in and out without having to talk to people. But at the reception I'm stuck. The only single girl at the table. No husband or children to speak of. No one to dance with.
(late 2011/early 2012)
Three of my nephews live in Saskatoon. I don't see them as much as I would like. But I think about them everyday. They are growing up way too fast. At 12 years old Nathaniel is taller than me and babysitting his younger brothers. They are not my little babies anymore.
Over the last couple of weeks, even months, I have felt neither up or down. Just middle of the road. But the last few days I have been a little on edge. Reasons unknown. This past Thursday I had a terrible sleep which is not uncommon, however this time it affected me greatly. I was on edge all day. Close to tears, irritable, annoyed.
I worry (what's new) about when I am finally off medication. Will I be able to cope. I haven't seen my counsellor in months. I exercise on and off. More off than on. Will I just fall back into my old habits of avoidance and unnecessary worry. The answer is most likely yes.
One thing that is keeping me going is the emergence of spring and summer (although if you live in Saskatchewan, spring still looks far off). I promised myself I would do more things for me. Day trips to who knows where. Weekend retreats. Anything to get out of the city - not to forget my problems, but to gain a new perspective.
I'm going to take care of myself. Or better yet I'm going to let God take care of me. I read this the other day and it somehow made things seem a little less scary.
'Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.' Proverbs 3: 5-6
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.