I’ve been purging lately. I have a problem with keeping documents, emails, and facebook messages for far too long. It’s a daunting task to declutter. I want to reread everything before papers can go in the shred pile or I hit delete. Part of me thinks there could be something important in there that I might regret losing.

Tonight I read a message from a friend from nine years ago (see this is going to take a long time). It was an encouraging message with two passages at the end. I looked up the passages and deleted the message (that’s progress). I will share the one that resonated with me more. “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:5. NLT

I know when I first read my friends message all those years ago, I could not comprehend “shouts of joy” being part of my life. I was in hole. It was dark. But little by little the tears were providing much needed water for the seeds laid out in front of me.

I pride myself on not being an impulse shopper. Or using the term “retail therapy” - it diminishes actual therapy in my mind. This is not to say I haven’t had those moments. They usually happen with pricier items. I justify my purchases by telling myself I will have “this” for years to come. That is true in some cases -- I have had the same winter jacket for at least 7 years.

But as the year winds down and we head into the next I am already thinking about how I can make better purchasing choices.  Can I go a year without purchasing anything new?  I don't know, but I'm going to do my best (starting in 2019 -- I have a few items I want to purchase before the new year).

 I came up with the following questions to ask before making a purchase:

1. Do I need this?
   
2. Do I have something similar?
3. What joy will this bring me?
   
4. What am I missing out on if I get it?
5. What am I missing out on if I don’t get it?
6. Do I need this?

I want less clutter. I want more time. I want less stuff. I want more connection.

Originally written April 26, 2017
It took me a long time to 'get back out there'. I was tired of staying in on weekends and not having someone to share myself with. So I took a chance. For most people it's not a big deal. But for me it was terrifying. I was hurt in the past and not sure I could make it through something like that again.

I have a hard time opening up because I'm afraid I'm not good enough, won’t be liked, have nothing good to say. And based on past experience. This is true. I'm not good enough. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. And it shows.

My heart hurts. It hurts because it will never know love.

So here I am hurting and not sure when it will end. I don't think it will. I think this pain is too strong. It makes me so weak.

P.S. January 21, 2018
I weep for her. I weep because she does not see just how worthy she is. I weep because I did not console her. I weep because I let her believe those thoughts. She is gone and I never let her know how sorry I am for putting her through this.

I’m so sorry.