my anxious life
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Writing Projects
  • Coaching (Athletics)
  • Book Club
  • About Me

KNOW THIS. YOU MATTER . MND XO

Infertility: I am one in six

4/25/2023

0 Comments

 
I have debated many times whether to share this story. It is not something commonly talked about and yet one in six women/couples will be faced with this reality. Like depression (or other mental illnesses) there is shame and isolation. You feel no one will understand. You hide behind a smile, because what else can you do.

I process my feelings internally, and journaling has always been a source of reflection for me. My notes app is filled with daily thoughts. What follows are personal reflections of the last few months.

October 30, 2022
I waited as long as I could this morning before doing a pregnancy test. I set the timer and walked away. I walked back into the bathroom, examined the stick and put it in the garbage.

I went downstairs and fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t tell Kevin.

I have one more refill at the pharmacy, if we continue this would be our sixth round. I do not have the energy to do anymore.

After breakfast I decided to clean the spare room. Then I had another nap. Sleep has always been a coping method for me, a way to avoid feeling.

I woke up and started putting together the bike trainer I had bought a couple of weeks ago. Kevin came upstairs to help me and said “I’m sorry, baby.” I replied, “I don’t want to try anymore.”  We sat on the floor and cried. And cried. And cried some more, knowing our dreams of having a baby are over after 10 months of trying, including five failed IUIs.

We decided a long time ago we would not do IVF or adoption. Those that do have much more strength than me.

I can finally grieve.

November 25, 2022
Psalm 113:9 has provided much comfort over the years. In a dark time in my life a women at the church I used to attend reminded me of the many children I have.

When I got my tattoo on my arm years later, it was the serve as a daily reminder that I have been blessed. At the time I don’t know if I truly believed I was barren. I was single and thought a family would be possible if/when I met someone (Kevin and I started dating a few months later). I’ve been told so many times I look young that I took my reproductive health for granted.

Although we may not have a family of our own. We have a full and happy life.

January 12, 2023
I’m in the anger stage of grief. I have Kevin and my therapist for support, but I feel so alone. Isolated and unsure how to express myself, I am a full of rage.

February 15, 2023
I think I have reached the acceptance stage. That, or I’m just apathetic.

March 15, 2023
... I'm constantly behind on podcasts and while listening to an episode of A Slight Change of Plans, called "Lessons From a Grief Therapist", it struck me that I may never really truly "get over this." You just learn to live with the love lost and the life you thought you would have. It makes me incredibly sad.

Today
I can't truly tell you how I am doing. Sadness comes and goes in waves. It hits me when I least expect. But also in expected ways - when I hear of other couples who happily announce their pregnancies or the birth of their child or when someone I haven't seen in months, even years asks if I have kids. I'm hit with a wave of emotion in those moments and choose my words carefully, "No I do not have kids."
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author

    I am a daughter, sister, auntie, wife and friend.

    ​Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.

    Categories

    All
    Anxiety
    Awareness
    Body Image
    Depression
    Family
    Friends
    Love
    Meditation
    Mental Health
    Mindfulness
    Reflection
    Travel
    Vulnerability

    Archives

    June 2024
    April 2023
    December 2021
    August 2021
    March 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    March 2020
    September 2019
    June 2019
    April 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    September 2014
    July 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    April 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013

    More Archives

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Writing Projects
  • Coaching (Athletics)
  • Book Club
  • About Me