And here we are at the end of another year. Self-compassion and loving-kindness have been key concepts I've been working on. For if one cannot have compassion for themselves how could they possibly be compassionate towards others (we all know the world could use a bit more). I've made some progress, but the road is long. I welcome quiet moments of self-reflection and bigger shifts in my mindset. Instead of looking too far ahead, I will keep my eyes on today. Just today.
My aim in 2017 was to release. My aim for 2018 is to break free.
"Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?
I've always had a small stature. I stand at 5'2". I've always had the physique of someone who works out, even during those seasons where working out is minimal. Getting back into shape is easy for me (to some extent). But having said all that, I still struggle with the way I look; with fitting into clothes in my closet I haven't touched in months. My 'size' hasn't changed, so why can't I fit into my jeans anymore. I used to need a belt. Now, I can't tell you the last time I wore a belt. My weight hasn't even really changed during my adult life, with the exception of two major life events. The first being the end of my track career. I was solid and had more muscle during that time. I naturally lost weight when I stopped running and doing weights. The second was when I become depressed. Part of the weight lose was side effects from depression. Part of it was from medication. I'm not really sure what my weight was at that time. But people noticed. When they commented I made up excuses. At that time I certainly was not talking about my mental health (and how it affected my physical health).
My body is changing right before my eyes and I don't know how to stop it. I'm a self professed lazy person. I only exercise for the healing benefits to my mental health. Just like I know I would not be happier if I had more money, a bigger house, nicer car, a partner in my life, I know that having the 'perfect' body is not going to make me more like-able, accepted, or provide for a happier life. (originally written February 20, 2017)
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.