"I can't read you", I've heard that before. It used to hurt. I knew people didn't understand me, but I couldn't explain myself. Even in times of joy, I can look emotionless.
I'm much better at expressing myself in writing. But have had to learn other ways of communicating. It's getting easier. I'm not worried about what people think. (Let's be real - I still worry, but not to the same extent as in the past).
Speaking of the past, I haven't looked in that direction in a long time. The present is where it's at.
In a month I turn another year older. So many thoughts run through my mind. I'm doing better than I have in months. I danced around my house the other night. I played games and laughed with friends. I participated in conversations. It all felt good. It all felt normal.
My only regret in getting older is that it took me so long to get here. To allow myself to dance and laugh. And be ok.
I'm a month into smarter eating. I still can't believe how quickly I started to feel better. I haven't had a stomach ache to speak of, I have more energy, and I don't get the afternoon sugar crash. There have been times where I might cheat (i.e. having a glass of wine or pasta on the weekend), but I know my limits. There is no guilt on my part. And frankly I am not trying to lose weight. The main goal was to gain energy.
For the longest time this transition seemed too big to tackle. I do not derive joy from cooking, so the thought of spending hours in the kitchen was not appealing. After several weeks, it no longer feels like the big choir it used to. I still don't love it, but my mindset has changed a bit.
The biggest motivation for me these days is knowing my brain is getting the nutrients it needs. And maybe just maybe this will be the key to keeping the highs and especially lows in check. And maybe just maybe I can replace pharmacutcal medication with natures medication.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.