I'm making my way slowly. As it turns out, change doesn't happen overnight. The heaviness isn't as heavy as it has been. The knots in my stomach have loosened their grip. I can breathe just a little easier now. The road ahead is still covered in fog. I must watch my step and place my foot carefully in front of the other. I must go forward. Going back is not an option. It may be comfortable back there. But as it turns out, change happens when you leave your comfort zone. Where you push yourself. Where you grow beyond anything you imagined possible. Where the Spirit guides you.
It's something you can't control. It has power over you. Surrounded by friends and family. Joy fills your heart. But it won't let you be happy. It won't let go of its ever increasing grip. It laughs in your face when you think you've made progress. It wants you to hate yourself. It wants you to let go of the things that once brought you happiness. It wants you to forget what it's like to love yourself.
You are so tired from the fight. Weariness is the new normal.
The light is dim, but you can still see it. It used to burn so bright inside.
Some day, it will all make sense. I cannot tell you how or when or why. This is not in vain.
I just want the sadness to go away. What purpose is there for this lonely chasm?
Motivation is waning. I'm slipping and this time I can see it happening. I'm watching from the outside. I know what happens next and yet I'm paralyzed. Trapped. In my own mind.
I am a daughter, sister, auntie, wife and friend.