We’ve all heard it before. What we say matters. What we think matters. What is in our heart matters. Think about it. If we constantly listen to negative rhetoric (whether internal or external), we are going to believe it and become it. On the other-hand listening to the positive (realistic) thoughts can lift us up.
Have you ever looked at someone, who only has negative things to say and wonder how or why they became that way. It did not happen over night. It was gradual, so gradual no one thought to interject. They can’t possibly be happy you think to yourself and swear you will never be that person.
Until you look in the mirror and don’t like what is reflected back. The adult acne or the shape of your body perhaps. (*that most people don’t see, because they see the true beautiful you). You tell yourself ugly lies. And soon you are the one people are looking at wondering how she become that way.
The only way I've found to keep those negative thoughts at bay is to be gentle and kind and loving (towards myself). Soon the noise in my head, turns to a sweet melody that I play on repeat.
Be kind. To yourself, always be kind.
I’ve been purging lately. I have a problem with keeping documents, emails, and facebook messages for far too long. It’s a daunting task to declutter. I want to reread everything before papers can go in the shred pile or I hit delete. Part of me thinks there could be something important in there that I might regret losing.
Tonight I read a message from a friend from nine years ago (see this is going to take a long time). It was an encouraging message with two passages at the end. I looked up the passages and deleted the message (that’s progress). I will share the one that resonated with me more. “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:5. NLT
I know when I first read my friends message all those years ago, I could not comprehend “shouts of joy” being part of my life. I was in hole. It was dark. But little by little the tears were providing much needed water for the seeds laid out in front of me.
I cannot tell you how much sharing has helped me along my journey. That is, once I decided to share. I chose this platform as I find writing easier than sharing in person (that's not to say I won't talk to people, I just find I am better able to articulate myself in writing).
It cannot be stated enough, you are not alone in your struggles; because of this, I wanted to share stories other than mine. Thank you to my coworker Courtney for being vulnerable and open to sharing.
How has your mental illness affected your relationships (i.e. with friends, family, significant others, etc.)
Since being diagnosed with depressive bi-polar disorder and high anxiety, I notice that sometimes relationships with everyone around me are more strained. I find myself pushing people away when things get tough and almost self-sabotaging relationships. Luckily, I have met someone who realizes when I do this and doesn’t allow me to push him away. However, friends and family are a bit different. I think it’s tough for people to understand something they cannot relate to. It takes a lot of patience to deal with someone like me sometimes, with this illness. I’m glad for the people I have in my life and don’t judge me for having days or weeks, or even months where I really don’t speak to anyone, and know that it’s nothing personal. It’s the disease and sometimes you just need space to work it out.
Overall my illness has changed relationships with my family and friends, some days our relationships are strained and other days things are great. I don’t always feel like I have a support system though because I don’t feel as though many people I know understand what I’m dealing with and how my mind works, and sometimes I just don’t trust to tell them what’s going on in my life for fear of being judged or being gossiped about, which would in turn, make my mood much worse and likely cause a breakdown.
What is one thing you would tell your younger self?
Don’t be afraid to talk to someone and get help. Trust someone and find a support system, it’s okay to need help.
How has your mental illness shaped your life to date?
I am a lot more self-aware of my actions and of the way I think. I find myself wondering why I’m thinking a certain way or why I am allowing myself to dwell on something that happened years ago and everyone has likely forgotten about. I feel like my understanding of others has also changed and I find myself being more sympathetic to those who have mental illness such as myself. I grew up not feeling like I could talk about these things and knowing that it’s changed so much in society now helps. I am not afraid to speak up, I am not afraid to tell my story, I am not afraid to get help.
What do you look forward to?
I am not sure what I look forward to right now. I am still taking things day by day. I do think I look forward to the day when I wake up and things feel a little bit easier and I worry less.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.