Originally written April 26, 2017
It took me a long time to 'get back out there'. I was tired of staying in on weekends and not having someone to share myself with. So I took a chance. For most people it's not a big deal. But for me it was terrifying. I was hurt in the past and not sure I could make it through something like that again.
I have a hard time opening up because I'm afraid I'm not good enough, won’t be liked, have nothing good to say. And based on past experience. This is true. I'm not good enough. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. And it shows.
My heart hurts. It hurts because it will never know love.
So here I am hurting and not sure when it will end. I don't think it will. I think this pain is too strong. It makes me so weak.
P.S. January 21, 2018
I weep for her. I weep because she does not see just how worthy she is. I weep because I did not console her. I weep because I let her believe those thoughts. She is gone and I never let her know how sorry I am for putting her through this.
I’m so sorry.
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.