I’m participating in a meditation study. I’m excited to see how this will change my life.
The last time I had an appointment with my therapist, I told her “I can handle the anxiety, it’s the depression that kills me. I cannot imagine being 50, 60, 70 and still living with this” I'm paraphrasing here.
Although thoughts still swirl around a million miles a minute, they are no longer negative (well most of the time). But when depression hits. It’s a ton of bricks hitting me in the chest after I have just climbed out of the valley. I look back one last time hoping to celebrate, when I realize there are bigger valleys on the horizon. I am too fatigued to even cry. I feel nothing.
After a while I remove the bricks that half cover me like a blanket protecting me from the elements. It takes some time. I begin to feel like myself again and go on to tackle the next valley, looking forward to summit the next mountain.
At our first mediation session we each shared our reasons for being there. My heart sank as I listened to everyone. Especially a few (older) women. I saw that I will never escape this. I saw too, there are ways I can mitigate the pain, rewire my brain to not always be in a state of fight or flight, and bring my body back into balance. mnd xo
Today: Like most, I'm trying to figure things out. Sometimes that's day by day, moment by moment, and even breath by breath.